The Holy Bible and Zombies

Matthew 1:2-17

2 Abraham ate Isaac, Isaac ate Jacob, and Jacob ate Judah and his brothers.
3 Judah ate Perez and Zerah and Tamar, Perez ate Hezron, and Hezron ate Ram.
4 Ram ate Amminadab, Amminadab ate Nahshon, and Nahshon ate Salmon.
5 Salmon ate Boaz and Rahab, Boaz ate Obed and Ruth, Obed ate Jesse,
6 and Jesse ate David the king. David the king ate Solomon and her who had been the wife of Uriah.
7 Solomon ate Rehoboam, Rehoboam ate Abijah, and Abijah ate Asa.
8 Asa ate Jehoshaphat, Jehoshaphat ate Joram, and Joram ate Uzziah.
9 Uzziah ate Jotham, Jotham ate Ahaz, and Ahaz ate Hezekiah.
10 Hezekiah ate Manasseh, Manasseh ate Amon, and Amon ate Josiah.
11 Josiah ate Jeconiah and his brothers about the time they were carried away to Baandlon.
12 And after they were brought to Baandlon, Jeconiah ate Shealtiel, and Shealtiel ate Zerubbabel.
13 Zerubbabel ate Abiud, Abiud ate Eliakim, and Eliakim ate Azor.
14 Azor ate Zadok, Zadok ate Achim, and Achim ate Eliud.
15 Eliud ate Eleazar, Eleazar ate Matthan, and Matthan ate Jacob.
16 And Jacob ate Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus who is called Christ.
17 So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations that were consumed, from David until the captivity in Baandlon are fourteen more generations consumed, and from the captivity in Baandlon until the Christ are fourteen more generations consumed.

The above is an excerpt from a new book I'm working on called The Holy Bible and Zombies. Based on an idea by actor Tahmus Rounds. This may end up being the follow up to my other book Everybody Dies A Children's Book for Grown Ups. Only 1,931 pages to go.

Here is the original version from the Holy Bible
Matthew 1:2-17 New King James Version (NKJV)

2 Abraham begot Isaac, Isaac begot Jacob, and Jacob begot Judah and his brothers. 3 Judah begot Perez and Zerah by Tamar, Perez begot Hezron, and Hezron begot Ram. 4 Ram begot Amminadab, Amminadab begot Nahshon, and Nahshon begot Salmon. 5 Salmon begot Boaz by Rahab, Boaz begot Obed by Ruth, Obed begot Jesse, 6 and Jesse begot David the king. David the king begot Solomon by her who had been the wife[a] of Uriah. 7 Solomon begot Rehoboam, Rehoboam begot Abijah, and Abijah begot Asa.[b] 8 Asa begot Jehoshaphat, Jehoshaphat begot Joram, and Joram begot Uzziah. 9 Uzziah begot Jotham, Jotham begot Ahaz, and Ahaz begot Hezekiah. 10 Hezekiah begot Manasseh, Manasseh begot Amon,[c] and Amon begot Josiah. 11 Josiah begot Jeconiah and his brothers about the time they were carried away to Babylon. 12 And after they were brought to Babylon, Jeconiah begot Shealtiel, and Shealtiel begot Zerubbabel. 13 Zerubbabel begot Abiud, Abiud begot Eliakim, and Eliakim begot Azor. 14 Azor begot Zadok, Zadok begot Achim, and Achim begot Eliud. 15 Eliud begot Eleazar, Eleazar begot Matthan, and Matthan begot Jacob. 16 And Jacob begot Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus who is called Christ.

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Missing: Jacob the Jerk Squirrel.

A few weeks ago I wrote about Jacob the Jerk Squirrel who is guilty of eating all the mikans (tangerine) on my mikan tree.

My mikan tree went from being full of lovely orange fruity friends to being lonesome and bare. It was all Jacob the Jerk Squirrel's fault. And so, I prayed and prayed to all of the Gods that I knew of, and also made a wish on a falling star. I ate a Christmas Turkey and made a wish as I snapped his wishbone. I mapped out every fountain in Los Angles and made a three-day tour of them all. I threw pennies in and wished that Jacob would disappear forever (over 145 pennies). Next, I found a dandelion grove and I spent 2 nights and 3 days (camping) picking every blooming dandelion and making my wish each time I blew it's little cotton ball of spores into the wind. Not far from the dandelion grove was a grassy hill where I hunted for four leaf clovers that I could wish upon. Finally, I made 1000 origami cranes, each one named Jacob, and asked the great Crane Spirit to grant my wish.

When I returned home, I ran to my yard and looked in the Mikan tree. No Jacob. I looked to the top of the fence where he likes to perch and peel his stolen fruits. No Jacob. I looked in the kinkan tree (kumquat), where he also likes to play. No Jacob.

I'm not sure which of my thousand wishes was heard, but one of them was. Jacob is gone. I was so excited. I picked one of the last few mikan from the tree and ate its sweet, sweet fruit meat. The mikans were mine again.

The next morning I woke up and looked out the window. Still no Jacob. The Mikan tree and Kinkan tree stood alone with no rodent of any kind running up and down its branches. The fence where Jacob suppers was empty of peels. It was a completely Jacob-free environment. I know I should have been happy, but there was a certain loneliness. The trees seemed empty without the rustle of rodent movement. The last mikans hanging on the tree seemed anxious and on edge, as if they were afraid they would go uneaten...and be left to shrivel into nothingness...unwanted...unloved.

I began to wonder how my wish was granted. I wished that Jacob would be gone, but what does that mean? Jacob was gone, but where did he go? I hadn't been specific in my wishing. I should have wished "that Jacob would find another mikan tree somewhere else and he would be happy there until his last days". I was only thinking of myself, and my mikans. Now I must accept that I may be responsible for the disappearance or even death of Jacob the Jerk squirrel. Yes, he was a jerk squirrel, but he doesn't deserve to die. Even though he was a jerk I still loved him...I still love him. It's been five days now and no sign at all of Jacob. I have spent the last three days searching my neighborhood. I've gone door to door with this flyer, asking if anyone has seen him.

If you hear anything about Jacob, please do let me know. I am so worried, I have no appetite. I don't even feel like eating the last few mikan that Jacob left behind.

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Great Mazinga Robot selfie

I am very close friends with two giant robots, Great Mazinga and Raideen. Lately Mazinga is always trying to take my phone to play Candy Crush. This morning, I woke up and found this photo on my phone. It's his first selfie. I guess he is putting it on his Instagram page. Robots grow up so fast.

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Unicorns Rule #UnicornsRule on twitter

I don't pay a lot of attention to what is trending on Twitter. Usually it is a celebrity or One Direction member that I have not heard of. But today, I woke up to find #UnicornsRule was trending. This is finally something that I can get excited about. I happen to have an antique rare copy of Smith's Unicorn Etiquette Guide (out of print). It's written by unicorns for unicorns, unlike some of the more modern unicorn guides which are actually written by horses and in some cases donkeys painted white with a sad, droopy horn glued to their head. Here are the first seven Unicorn's Rules.

#1 Never wash your horn in salt water. It can eat away your horn's natural enamel. Only wash with Daizen brand mineral water

#2 When meeting someone for the first time always lower your horn to 45 degrees.

#3 If you receive a gift, always write a thank you note. E-mail is fine but hoofwritten is better

#4 Never comment on the shape of a stranger's horn. Every horn is beautiful in its way.

#5 Don't be a jerk. We are so rare that one unicorn's bad behavior can ruin the reputation of the entire species.

#6 Never say anything to a unicorn online that you wouldn't say to her in person.

#7 When running with horse, mule or zebra, never call attention to their lack of horn.

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The many Noels, a Ken Tanaka Christmas Carol.

Oh hello. Chirstmas is the most Christmasy time of the year. It's a time for singing Christmas carols. I can't go door to door to reach everyone in the world like Mr. Santa does, so instead I have posted my Christmas Caroling video. You can sing along, it's a very easy song.

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Ken Tanaka's Bucket List

One of my very handsome YouTube subscribers was kind enough to get me a special Christmas present...a free Skype session with a Life Coach. I told the life coach all about my life and the Smiths and the new version of my book Everybody Dies that I finally finished. She said I needed to focus on what I wanted in my life, and where I wanted my life to go. Her main suggestion was that I make a bucket list. She said it would help me visualize my life goals. So this Boxing Day morning I woke up and started my list.

#1 Melissa & Doug Sunny Patch Happy Giddy Pail

I'm not sure if my life coach will accept a pail at the #1 position of my bucket list. She didn't really explain the rules very much. If it's not okay, I will make a separate pail list. This pail is advertised as being "ready for dumping". I like a pail or a bucket that is always ready to do some dumping even if it is gloomy outside or it has other plans, or it is suffering from the flu or cholera. Also, this was the only bucket with a face on it. With the other buckets, I wouldn't even know which side to talk to or give a kiss to. I think Melissa and Doug really are bucket geniuses. What a happy pail!

#2 Rubbermaid Brand Neat and Tidy Bucket

This is a classic white bucket that I think is very useful and well shaped. I think many people have a bucket like this outside int their yard, filled with some rain water and earth and little baby mosquito larvae. It's a good bucket, friendly and not pretentious.

#3 Metal Bucket Party Accessory

This is a festive party bucket, for when you are throwing the kind of party that requires a number of colorful buckets. They are made of metal, which is refreshing, and they come in some of the colors of the rainbow (but not all...because some rainbow colors are not identifiable to the human eye). This would have been #2 but it was not quite as tidy as the Rubbermaid Brand Tidy Bucket,and tidiness if very important to me when I'm choosing a bucket. Very important.

#4 Carrand 94102 Car Wash Bucket - 3 Gallon Capacity

This bucket is not only handsomely grayish, it's also made for a very specific purpose. It's a car wash bucket. Please do not try to use this bucket for fence painting, vegetable gathering, floor mopping or as a party accessory. This bucket is only to be used for car washing. Do not use it to wash a dog either, unless the dog is in your car...then it is okay.

Well, I only got to #4 and it took me several hours. I felt a lot of pressure to choose the right bucket. I don't feel any different about my life yet, but my life coach did say that the changes wouldn't happen right away. I guess after you've made a list of buckets you have to wait a few days to feel the effects. One thing I did learn is that making lists is fun. I'm going to make a list of marsupials next. Who do you think will be #1?

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Kindle sale and Christmas Cats Hurray.

To show the holiday spirit , today I put on a Kindle sale of the Everybody Dies: A Children's Book for Grown Ups E-book. Click the amazon link above and you'll see it's just $2.99 ( previously was $6). This is the original version of the book which will only be available till 2-28-14. In May of 2014, the new harper design version of the book will come out.

Christmas is a good time for buying books, but it's also a good time to think about very small and handsome kittens. I mare this song and video of my friends kitties last year. They are bigger nows but still very frisky.

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Jacob the jerk squirrel update

In my last post I wrote about Jacob the squirrel who was responsible for shutting down Squarespace (my website host) after I called him a jerk very quietly. I spoke to Jacob after my last post and we worked things out. He agreed to stop eating my mikans and I agreed to never call him a jerk again. It was a great bargain.

But this morning I woke up and looked out my window and there he was, mikan gobbling. I still love Jacob, but I do feel betrayed. My heart hurts and also my toe, because I bumped my foot into a door earlier (not really Jacob's fault). I want to be the kind of man who shares his mikan with all nature of rodent, but if Jacob eats them all, then I will have none for the either rodents like Sharon and Judy, and also Toby the rodent, and the other Jacob.

I hope it's just a phase. a kind of リスの反抗期。

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Squarespace DDOS attack

Today I put up my new squarespace website and today squarespace went down under ddos attack. I just paid an entire fee to them for the year. I think it is a form of punishment because earlier today I was not as nice to a ground squirrel as I usually am. I don't really know what DDOS is or why it is attacking. My dentist is a DDS so at first I thought he had attacked my website...probably because I still haven't paid for my molar x-rays.

Here is the message from squarespace "Squarespace is currently working to mitigate a large DDoS attack. We are working with our upstream providers to mitigate this attack."
You are probably wondering about the squirrel I mentioned. His name is Jacob and he lives in my yard with his friend Jacob. They both eat all the mikans (tangerine) on my tree. They climb up on a little fence and leave all the peels there. Jacob is kind of a jerk. I mean, I love him, but...he is kind of a jerk. So, today I lost my temper when I saw that he had chewed on every single mikan in the tree. I got so angry that I quietly said "jerk" out loud, and Jacob heard me. I reacted poorly and there was no excuse for my behavior. I apologize to all squirrels I have offended. But, it's no reason to attack my new website.

Once Jacob's DDOS attack is done, please visit my new site at Http://

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A son knows...

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"What kind of Asian are you?" actor Stella Choe cast in big Korean movie

In April I released "What Kind of Asian are You?" for YouTube Comedy Week. The video became my most viewed video thanks to the very funny performances by Stella Choe and Scott Beehner. Yesterday I was sent this press release about actor Stella Choe's role in a new film by a famous Korean director.

"From Viral video star to the Big Screen. Choe books role in “International Market”.

Stella Choe, star of the viral comedy video “What Kind of Asian are you?”, which reached 5 million hits in ten days, has been tapped for a role in the feature “International Market” opposite Lost’s Yunjn Kim. The film will be directed by renowned Korean director J.K. Youn (Tidal Wave).

Choe was contacted directly by a producer at JK films who had seen her viral video and had a specific role in mind for her. She will playing a Korean adoptee in America who returns to her homeland.

This wasn’t the only job that Choe booked though her viral video. She is also starring in a national Ford commercial which she was offered after a casting director took notice of her performance in “ What Kind of Asian are You?”

A professional dancer since age 16, Choe has toured the world with Paul McCartney and helped choreograph features Gangster Squad and Benjamin Buttons.

Choe is repped commercially by Sutton, Barth, and Venari. She is currently seeking theatrical representation. "

Congratulations, Stella. I am so happy that appearing in my video has made Stella into a movie star. She is so funny.

Actor Scott Beehner has also had great success. He is in a beef jerkey Slim Jim commercial that I see on TV a lot. He was also in an Applebee's restaurant commercial.

And Scott just came out with a funny viral video about auditioning for commercials, which I guess he must do a lot.

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Predictions for 2014

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No shirt, No shoes, No service cartoon.

I painted this joke the other day. Before posting this I did a search on Google images and it turns out there are lots of people making this joke. There's even a photo from the 1970's that illustrates this joke, and a single panel cartoon that looks almost like mine but with no dialogue. I decided to post it anyway.
I have had a few ideas that I abandoned when I saw something similar or exactly alike while doing a Google search. I once though of making t-shirts that say "I have mixed feelings about New York, but would be designed just like an "I Love New York" shirt. It turned out that someone had done the exact same wording and similar design already.

I was thinking of eating a tuna sandwich for lunch, but I just googled it and found that several people have already done that too.

By the way, Amazon's cyber monday sale is still going on. The new HarperCollins version of book is on pre-order sale for 33% off in the link below. It's hardback with 16 new pages.

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Pre-Order my book on Amazon now for $5 off!

Amazon has a holiday sale. The new Harper Design (HarperCollins) hard cover edition of my book is on sale for pre-order for just $9.99 (Reg. 14.99). I'm not sure how long this offer will last. Click the icon below to buy a copy. The new edition has 16 new pages. Or you can still get some limited copies of the first edition at my website. I only have a few left, and they will be available only till February of 2014

Turkey blames himself

It's November 27th and Jacob Turkey knows he doesn't have much time left. Most of his friends and kin are gone already. He blames himself, and his plumage for making him look so tasty. Some will say that he is asking for it. "He shouldn't put on such vibrant plumage if he doesn't want our attention." they'll say. But, is it fair to judge a turkey by his dress? Can any of us, upon sight alone, know what is in the mind of a turkey? Perhaps it is time to try talking to our turkeys before we decide what "they want".
Jacob is a gifted conversationalist.
If you lean in closely you can probably hear him gobble the words..."あとわずかだな。”

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Portrait of My Brother as a Middle Aged Man

I wanted to do some portraits of my brother David Ury, but he doesn't sit still very well. He also talks a lot. I tried to draw some pictures of him while he sat in front of me, but they all turned out blurry. For the cartoony one, I had to use his episodes of Breaking Bad and his character Spooge as a reference. For the other one, I used a photo of him by the famous photographer Alyona Federenko. She is very handsome.
The 2nd one will be used for his about the co-author page on our new HarperCollins Design version of Everybody Dies: A Children's Book for Grown Ups.
You can pre-order the new version of the book here.

How to improve your Japanese accent.

In this video I help my brother learn to speak better Japanese and improve his accent. My brother speaks very fine Japanese but his accent is a bit strong. You may have met him before in my videos #13, 28 and 48. This is the first time in a few years that we have done a video together.

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What is comedy? Stand-up comedian Paul Kim explains...

My new friend Paul Kim is a great comedian. I met him through the YouTube comedy lab and we made this video at YouTube studio Los Angeles. Here is some of his stand-up comedy.

Pre-Order the new hardback HarperCollins edition of Everybody Dies: A Children's book for Grown-Ups.